Relative Bravery

People keep telling me I'm brave. I'm really not sure why as I've never before felt so phony. That person who gets to go to work or who spends time with friends and family is a totally different person than the sad version of her who goes home at night. I think that this is part of it, but every once in a while I can't stop fixating. Not only am I sad, my insides are a child mid-tantrum, kicking and stomping. I think sad and terrible thoughts.

How could people who were so happy to be together deserve this kind of punishment when horrible people who are horrible to each other get to go on? My brain is pretty good at telling me that's not how it works. I know it's not really punishment, but it feels like it is. I sometimes think about how, if it had to happen, it should have been someone else's husband who died suddenly - someone who was cheating or lying or abusive. It should have been someone older who had already lived a full life or who didn't have a kid who needs him, needs him, needs him. Someone who didn't have a plan to have more children. Someone who was not mine...

I'm not proud. And by the time I've had all these terrible thoughts, I have to remind myself all over again that this is real.

What I wouldn't give to hear the garage door open because someone is coming home.

I've started writing in a journal recently. At the end of each day, I try to think about someone or something good to be thankful for that day. I can use all the reminders of good I can get. 

Today I am thankful for friends and family who continue to check on me with visits, food, texts and cards in the mail even though I seldom answer and try to act normal when I'm in person. I don't care if I'm fooling anyone because I think it helps me. I'm flexing some emotional muscle that I hope to strengthen enough to make it real. So thanks for continuing to be gentle and check on me. Makes me feel like I'm not crazy to be floundering the way I am.

So Many More Than 30

As I sift through my shattered life, I am also trying to gear myself up for the holidays.  Today, I remembered my Thanksgiving gift to Matt last year - the email copied below.  Now it seems superficial and small and way too short.  I am not okay, and I fear I will never be, but maybe remembering these small things will help.  More importantly, I hope these memories help me answer Daphne's questions in the future.

From: Carolyn
Date: November 22, 2012, 9:03:21 AM CST
To: Matt
Subject: Reasons I am thankful for you

Reasons I am thankful for you:

1:  You love me despite my dervish (his nickname for my cooking messes)

2:  You are so in love with Daphne 

3:  Our lazy Sunday afternoons at home 

4:  You work so hard to stay healthy and have overcome so much 

5:  You share the load of dishes and diaper laundry 

6:  You listen to love songs, think of me, and share the song with me 

7:  You are supportive of my career and where it might take me 

8:  You want to provide for our family even if that means changing jobs 

9:  You pursue your own hobbies and are really good at them 

10:  You love my family and go hang on the island (to hunt deer) even though it's not your thing 

11 :  Watching tv is more fun with you because you laugh freely and it is contagious 

12:  You take care of me and make sure I have what I need  

13:  You kiss me very time you get home and every time we part 

14:  You appreciate good food 

15:  You snuggle me before we sleep 

16:  You call Daphne "sleepy beepy" when she is tired or asleep

17:  You like my skinny jeans 

18:  You are so gosh darn handsome 

19:  You are smarter than you give yourself credit for 

20: You tell me everything 

21:  You are so slow, but you are trying to be more on time :-) 

22:  You clean up my water glasses 

23:  You are good at long-distance driving 

24:  You are really good at job interviews 

25:  You use grammar when you text 

26:  You tell me you love me every time we part in person or on the phone 

27:  You gave our daughter your deep blue eyes and long lashes 

28:  You read to me before bed 

29:  Daphne lights up when she sees you 

30:  You make me feel important and needed and loved.   

I love you Matt Foster. And I'm thankful for you every minute of every day.  Happy Thanksgiving!