Yesterday was the anniversary of the day Matt and I met. We also called it our dating anniversary which we celebrated every year with Christmas decorating, pajamas, hot chocolate and cheesy Christmas music. I asked some friends to be with me this year, so I wouldn't sit and cry all night. They came bearing the most wonderful ornament crafting materials in case I couldn't bear to hang our sentimental family ornaments. There was a lot of glitter and paint and laughing - they are really wonderful friends. I opened and shared the bottle of wine I bought the week I met Matt - we had been saving it for a special occasion which seems like a waste now. It was a DaVinci Chianti that I purchased at a wine tasting with a friend. I think he would have really liked it.
I am realizing that he is everywhere, and that I cannot escape the world he and I built around ourselves even if I want a break for one second. Thanksgiving and this time of year are worse than I thought. I've been thinking a lot about our usual holiday events and I realized that I can count on one hand the amount of Thanksgivings I was able to spend wih him. How is that it?
2007- I met Matt (through email) during the week of Thanksgiving. We exchanged a few emails over my break from school - emails I received on a laptop in my parents' living room, all the while concealing any reaction or commentary. He was my exciting secret. I remember him telling me in one of those emails that he spent one of his holiday break evenings watching football with a friend in Kentucky, but I really knew nothing about him at that point. That's a strange idea - to go back to a time when I didn't know his Matt-ness. We used to say that it felt like we had known each other our entire lives even though we had memories that were obviously of times before we met. We would say we couldn't believe the number of years we had known each other was so small since it felt like we'd known each other forever. Now those conversations are haunting me.
So he was at a bar or restaurant watching football while I was in a living room in Saint Peters, watching movies with my family. I didn't see him, but he told me he wore Mizzou gear from head to toe just to get a rise out of the locals. I remember the dress I wore to Thanksgiving dinner because it still hangs in my closet as something I'd love to fit into again one day. After about a week and a few long phone calls, we met in person.
2008- Our second Thanksgiving almost didn't happen- not with family. After his 3-week stay in the ICU for his flare-up of Hemilitic Anemia, ITP and an emergency splenectomy, he was released from the hospital the day before Thanksgiving. We made it to visit family in Saint Peters, but returned to home for the rest of the weekend so he could rest. We decorated our duplex for Christmas on Saturday (our one-year anniversary), but took an overnight trip to the emergency room because he was having a gall bladder attack that felt like a heart attack. A month later on Christmas Day, he was admitted to the hospital again. Secondary infection from the splenectomy. I gave him the board game of Mancala and a pair of black Chuck Taylor's.
2009- The third thanksgiving was the first time we saw his family after our engagement on September 29th. It was fairly normal. We saw both sides if the family and ate way too much. I made his mom's recipe for Miracle Pie.
2010- First major holiday as a married couple. I wore orange. Matt wore a grey hat, purchased because he saw the style in New Orleans on our honeymoon. It made his eyes sparkle - most hats did that for him. Over the break he tried duck hunting with my family for the first time. He shot for fun once, but didn't hit a bird. He looked ridiculous in camo hip waders, four shirts and giant gloves with hand-warmers stuffed inside.
2011- This was the first big holiday after Matt's mom passed away. He was sad that she had to miss the big family announcement we brought with us. To each family gathering we went to, we handed out our Christmas card - a picture of two adult pairs of Chuck Taylor's and one tiny pair in the middle. May 28th, 2012. It was an exciting and exhausting couple of days. I was 14 weeks pregnant and Matt could not contain his excitement. This year, Matt's side of the family came to Columbia to celebrate. I made a ridiculous and huge meal.
2012- Daphne's first Thanksgiving. We had a bib that said, "Grandma's Little Gobbler." She had some teeth, but she had not started eating solids yet. We took a family picture - our only Thanksgiving picture - on the steps of my Grandma's house not knowing that by one year later she would have sold it and would be living in her new condo.
2013- Our first Thanksgiving without him. There are too many yet to come. There are not enough years in the list above.
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