Maybe the reason New Year's Eve is a bummer is because of the usual holiday high. Or the holiday crash afterward. The season is almost over and I have to say I'm feeling relieved which is not like me. Enduring was harder than I thought it would be, but I'm not sure why. I went into the season thinking it wouldn't be that difficult since every day is already a gauntlet anyway. How could it be harder than that? It was. To explain is also difficult.
My friends and family were nothing short of amazing to us during this season. The support and the rallying of Christmas cheer have gotten me through when I didn't think I could participate anymore. Matt and I were overwhelmed with love and good wishes on and near our wedding day. We talked about it - man, are we lucky. Then when we had Daphne, we were overwhelmed and surprised all over again. Those two experiences pale in comparison to the support Daphne and I feel from all around us - even from unexpected, dusty and far away places. Thank you, universe, for the gift of friendship. Make sure everyone has a little bit even if they don't have as much as I've been lucky to have.
Despite all of this, I never before have I felt so alone in a crowd. Lost is more like it. Like I'm missing a limb, or forgot something essential. It's the uneasy, the anger, the sad, the future, the bone-weary that I'm having a hard time with now. They say there are many stages of grief and that they are recursive instead of linear. How about simultaneous? The only one I haven't reached for even one second is acceptance. I'm guessing that any book or therapist would probably tell me that one day I will reach it, but right now I can't see it. Maybe I don't want to because I'm right in the middle of "anger" and "bargaining" or all the stages at once. So I'm stuck where I'm at - feeling everything and nothing and trying to keep it all together. I had a thought once or twice near Christmas that it was difficult to be around so many people because crying isn't always so accepted. How long is that phase going to last? The bruised peach phase... Anything can set me off and everything reminds me of him. Every song, every place, every road, every color, every meal. I want to talk about him all the time, but I can't bring myself to say anything about him at all. Keeping that in is going to make me burst.
I am still sleeping at the foot of the bed. I do not use our down comforter, but another blanket instead. The light from our master bathroom stays on every night. I have not touched one item from his side of our double-vanity sink. His side of the closet is still full. His referee shirt still hangs in our laundry room. For over a month, I left the small pile of clothes and hats he left in the living room exactly where he left them. After I picked them up, I spent a blurry half hour just standing in the living room trying to breathe through panicked tears. Now they are with his other closet things and the living room no longer looks lived in by him. I am incredulous that life and time can just move on without him. And now a new year.
Because I am stuck, because it is another holiday that I have to endure without him, I have decided that my New Year's resolution is just to be okay. Not great, but alright. I resolve to be okay in 2014.
- I will try to be okay with the unknown, because that sometimes feels like all I have in my future.
- I will try to be okay with my lack of control, but control the things I can like caring for Daphne.
- I will try to be okay with the passage of time even though the more time moves, the farther away from him I feel.
- I will try to be okay with asking for help when I need it.
- I will try to be okay with not being okay.
- I will try to be okay with missing him and knowing that there is no end point or relief from that feeling.
- I will try to be okay with finding my own peace and not getting it from outside sources.
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