Assignments

I have given myself two assignments recently.  Maybe it's the teacher in me.  Maybe I'm weary of feeling hopeless.  Maybe I'm just clinging to anything that keeps me from the brink of sorrow.

Assignment #1:  I recently found myself at a coffee shop for 14 whole minutes of unscheduled time before my next errand.  Without a toddler in tow.  I cannot remember the last time this happened.  So while I'm currently in the middle of a book that has actually been able to capture my scattered attention for more than ten minutes, I chose not to get it out.  Instead, I ordered my favorite cup of black coffee and an apricot rugelach - my old standby.  I sat in my favorite old spot in the window.  I checked the time and for five whole minutes, I forced myself to unplug from my phone, iPad, other people, and most of my brain.  For five whole minutes, I made myself think of only Matt's goodness.  I watched the steam rising from the tops of downtown buildings and thought of him and his beautiful soul - everyday memories only a wife would be able to recall.  I tried not to think about how much I missed that goodness and just moved on to another of his wonderful qualities when I veered toward a negative thought.  It was a difficult exercise, not because I lacked for things to think about - but because I do miss him so much. For about 24 hours, I felt a little stronger.  Now that I write this, the sadness is taking over once again.  Maybe it's time for me to practice my homework.

Assignment #2:  By chance, I found information online about a website and movement called 365grateful.  In the spirit of the project and to force myself to really appreciate the positive in my life each day - more than just be aware - I have decided to document my gratitude.  I am already aware that I am so lucky, but this project will force me to examine and focus in a way that is proving difficult for me lately.  I have chosen Instagram as my vehicle, so I plan to post once every day about something positive from the previous day. I will reflect on my last 24 hours and find the good - even on the bad days.  I'm on day 4/365.  If interested, my Instagram name is fosley.